NZ Adventure - Day 9

No quiz today, too tired to look for one, much less take one.

Today was a rainy, puttery, Anne of Green Gables sort of day. And then the plumber came to move the stink pipe and take out some of the other old plumbing. Old pipes and terrible smells.

Perhaps it's a useful metaphor for the journey. Sometimes there needs to be stink in order for there to be progress.

And on that note, Good night.

NZ Adventure - Day 9

Tonight's quiz was a Facebook quiz: which word in the dictionary are you. I am "Astute". I love words, and I love dictionaries. Studying words, word origins, finding new synonyms and antonyms - this is one of the things that makes me happy.

Today I am feeling hurried. I am afraid that I won't get done anything that I said I would like to get done. Who cares that it was an impossible list to start with. And I knew it. And who cares that I still have seven days left to still work at SOME of what is on my list.

As I was rushing around moving furniture and dust tonight I was thinking about my enneagram test result. Being a 9, a peacemaker.  One of the things that this test confirmed for me is that I can be an all out people pleaser - supporting people (mostly Marc and the kids) at the neglect of me.

There have been times in our family when I have hit a crisis point and have said 'That's it. I'm done playing the role of support staff. I'm going to exert my individual needs and desires.' Thank God for my very supportive husband who immediately blesses me and sincerely desires to do whatever it takes to support my declaration. The only problem is that when it comes down to it ... I have no idea what I want to do. One of the symptoms of being a 9 is having disconnected from oneself. The most common path for me to consider is school - getting my masters in ...  I don't know what.

So then after realizing that I have no clear path to assert, we all go back to the way things were more or less. And often I feel great about that. Because peacemaking is where I live, supporting, caring for, trying to keep it all balanced.

One of the things about being a 9 that I am trying to digest is that maintaining internal peace is so important to me, and that one of my main fears is that 'my internal balance will be upset' (a lot of my information is paraphrased from www.enneagraminstitute.com, by the way).  Living as a single parent with my two extreme children, who can't seem to leave each other alone, highlights this tension. I'm beginning to feel like Miss America - can't you two just hold hands and get along. I suspect that if I look closer at their personality types, their birth order, their enneagram number, I may see that in some way they are working out exactly what they need to be working out. The fact that it messes with my inner ohm doesn't mean it is all wrong behavior.

I did get to work with Sofia's class again this morning. I can't imagine teaching each day, but I love getting to be involved in these kids lives. As I write this, I realize that when I volunteer I am in a very chaotic situation. Controlled chaos, but it IS kindergarten! And in the midst of this chaos, I feel very settled into my peaceful place - not to hide from them, but in order to be fully present to them. THIS is something I need to pay attention to.

NZ Adventure - Day 8

As I was taking another test, this time another spiritual gifts inventory, I got grumpy. Not like mildly irritated, but like totally angry at the stupid test and the computer and the kids and the A-Team (they were watching the A-Team, so it's not all that random). So I quit the test and found another spiritual gifts inventory. Same thing.

Another time that I felt this kind of grumpy was when I was fasting. And I think that's why I paid closer attention to it than the kind of grumpy that happens when your kid spills milk AFTER being told 'watch out darling'.

I've fasted for both health reasons and as a spiritual discipline. Either way, it is not my favorite thing, and I don't think I'm very good at it. But that doesn't mean I haven't learned a thing or two in the process. When I have fasted and gotten the grumps, it is often at a time of transition or just before some breakthrough or clarifying moment. With each baby I had I hit the point of "I Can't DO THIS" and then soon after they were born (with varying amounts of modern medical help). That's a bit like what the grumps and fasting are for me.

This doesn't really help me to OVERCOME the grumpiness, but it does put me on alert to be watching with an open heart and mind.

Interestingly, I don't have an agenda or expectation of what might be coming. I'm assuming that the discipline of writing and daily reflection is what is prompting this grumpy. It could be that 2/5 of the family is away.  Or that we are almost to the halfway point in this Adventure. But it really feels like the first.

By the way, the spiritual gifts results were top: discernment; tied for second: serving, giving, faith, wisdom. Nothing unexpected there. And it really was a wonky test.

And because of a twitter interaction I opted to also find out which of the seven dwarf's I am. 2 out of 3 tests say I'm Dopey.

Discerning Dopey. Hee.

NZ Adventure - Day 7

(10 days till they get home - if the airlines and weather cooperate.)

This was my personal mission statement that I wrote in 2003:

• I live as an individual created and called by God.  As I press into His love, I am able to love myself, and my neighbors.
• I take time for what’s important to me. I am wise with my time and talents. I don’t make fun of the dreams that I have. I enjoy life.
• I have high expectations and generous amount of grace and forgiveness.
• I have healthy habits.
• Marc is my life companion and my best friend.  I am honest with him. I trust him. I encourage and love and serve him. I am my beloved’s and he is mine.
• I nurture my childrens growth in the LORD and the discovery of their unique purpose in our family and in this life.
• I shepherd a home that is a haven of renewal, blessing, safety, and happiness for my family.  We live and grow and play and learn together. I am generous with my hospitality to others.

I wrote it soon after moving to Maine, while I was working with a personal life coach. I had written one or two before. It was intended to be a compass that was general enough to work even when circumstances changed, but specific enough to be mine. I haven't looked at it for a long time and I wanted to pull it out during this adventure to see if it still works. And to think about whether it will be a tool that I want to begin using in my life again.

Reading through it quickly, I feel like 'writing' and 'community' are missing. A previous version included 'I laugh often' - I'd like to restore that, maybe. I've learned to really value being generous, to hold onto things lightly and want to continue learning that.


I took three quick tests tonight. I googled 'what color am I' and took three of the tests that came up on the first page. Each one had different questions and each one said I am purple. Isn't that interesting? I am so tired of picking colors for our home renovation, maybe I'll just pick purple for all the rooms that are left! : )

Kids are back to school tomorrow. After four days with kids home, I am ready for four days of kids in school.

NZ Adventure - Day 6

I find publishing an un-polished post very un-settling. I just had to insert that here.

I realized that rather than having some fantastic time and space to think I don't know what kind of thoughts - me thoughts? - that I'm still filling my head with kid thoughts all the time. WKID would be the call-letters of my radio station - worried about the homesick kid halfway across the world and the Dad that is her companion, wondering about just pulling Caleb to homeschool and be done with the non-sense of his teachers, hoping that the grace of God will be large enough to help me enjoy my non-stop talking 5yo AGAIN for most of the day tomorrow.

Even with the external environment ripe for some personal margin and experience, they are still there, closer than skin... much like each pregnancy. Perhaps there are still bits of them in me and that's why I'm overweight. I have little child aliens that are still living off me my fungus or parasites. Or I'm just doing my job as a mom, walking that tight rope of being here and pushing them and me into places of independence.

What I really crave, is to get my keel a little deeper into the water. I think my radio is operating on a bit of an am frequency, so it doesn't really take much to upset the signal.  I think that this is my hope for my NZ adventure... that even though I'm probably tuned to WKID for quite some time, I'd like to move back to the place where a breeze or a tunnel don't mess the the signal - my True Signal, the One that has called and equipped me to be mom, the One that calls me child.

PS. I took a personality test today. It said "free test" - it was the DISC test. Yes, the test was free. But if I wanted the results I had to pay $10. And I'm too tired to go looking for another test, so (picture me sticking my tongue out).

NZ Adventure - Day 5

After helping with some pie-making at church, my day included two 11yo boys with giggles about all noises body. We were near to drawing up plans for a natural 'gas' (insert little boy giggles here) car, equipped with automatic bean refiller. Fortunately my sister and BIL came for a few hours mid-day before I could lose all my maturity.

Friday nights are pretty standard in our house - pizza night with a movie. But tonight we did pancakes because we had pizza a couple nights ago. And didn't watch the movie. And I got a little lonely for Marc and Anna around supper time.

I found a place to take a free myers-briggs test today. I think the last time I took this might have been when Caleb was a baby. I've always thought that I was an INFJ or INFP - that my P and J are really close. So my results today were kind of a surprise.

The S surprises me because I operate from an Intuitive center according to the enneagram, but I felt on this test that I answered really accurately. I may bounce around to see if I can find a couple other places to take the test again. The description "Conservator" seems somewhat accurate, though I'm not so sure how loyal I really am. Just read another description that called ISFJ "nurturer". Yes, more study required.

NZ Adventure - Day 4

On a lighter note, I took a quiz to see which Greek goddess I am today. Turns out I am Hestia.
 

"You Scored as Hestia/VestaHestia/Vesta was the goddess of the fireplace. She didn't have a throne on Mt. Olympus, but people considered her to be just as, if not more important than the other gods. Every home in Greece had a shrine dedicated to her."

Even though I intended this to be a light-hearted quiz, it actually fits what I'm learning about myself really well.

Also today, I saw the word 'acadia' an abnormal number of times. Enough so that I just looked up the meaning -  "land of plenty". Not sure why, but each time I saw the word it was like there was a highlighter over the top of it saying 'Pay Attention'. So that will be added to the basket of things that I am pondering on this adventure.

Tonight I intend to play some guitar (one of the things on my list to care for myself while Marc and Anna are away) and being reading this book:

NZ Adventure - Day 3

Today was the first day that it was quiet enough to feel hard.

After getting the kids off to school I went to the gym. It felt like such a luxury to be able to go without worrying about being done by such and such a time for so and so's whatever. Came home, sanded a desk that I hope to finish for Anna, cleaned up that dusty mess, and then cleaned up me. I was pretty proud that I did all that in that order.

Then I met the doldrums and wondered what to do next. I think it is pretty bad form to just hang out watching the contractor or painter do their work, even though it is interesting and THEY are interesting. I tackled some phone-calls - the least favorite thing ever on my lists, and then decided today would be the day that I took the Enneagram test.


free enneagram test
I began my Enneagram journey in January at a day-long retreat. Even after the retreat I wasn't sure what type I was but felt more convinced that this path was going to have some important keys for me. My first instinct is to 'get a book about it' which I did. Truth is, though, that my eyes have gotten a bit older and my days a bit fuller and I struggle to do the volume of reading that I did in college... if you can imagine!

What I learned about myself today is that I am a Type 9, the Peacemaker, according to the (paid version) test that I took at enneagraminstitute.com. I have thought that I might be a 9, but also thought that I might be several others. I feel pretty comfortable with this result. With the reading that I've been able to do on the website about the full results has largely rung true. And leaves me thinking that I would do well to put some good focus here for the rest of my time.

One of the things that made me grin as I read the Type 9 results is that "Peacemakers require a LOT of alone time". Guess it's a good thing that I'm including the Enneagram on my NZ Adventure.

NZ Adventure - Day 2

Today was a pleasant, putter-y sort of day. Dropped kids at school, staying to volunteer for a while in Sofia's classroom. Home to pay bills and work around the house. Parent Teacher conference this afternoon at Caleb's school. Cozy supper of grilled cheese and a quiet evening with the kids. They are in bed, and I am on my way.

The clock on our stove reads NZ time now... so my heart and mind have wandered to that side of the globe not infrequently, but also not unpleasantly. I was a little more on alert during the hour that I knew would be 'touch-down'. I was so relieved to see an email from Anna to Caleb, and then to get one for myself from Marc.

The last time Marc and I were apart for such an extended amount of time was before Caleb was born. Four weeks apart. I was in Calcutta. It was a splurge to send him a fax the three or four times that I did during that trip. I never expected to get one in return. My luggage consisted of letters from family and friends that they had written beforehand - one for each day that I would be there.

And just a few weeks ago I was chatting real-time with my friend in Ethiopia. I am getting instant emails from my family 18 hours away. Bizarre.

One of my hopes during my NZ adventure is to take some sort of personal assessment each day. Spiritual Gifts, personality, enneagram, sorts of things. I hate these things. Marc loves them and is usually the one that is doing or pushing them. I'm not sure if I'm doing them in hopes of discovering something new, rediscovering something forgotten, or just to affirm that I exist as an individual with a unique contribution and calling. But what started as an idea a couple weeks ago has become an important discipline during this adventure.

Today I took a spiritual gifts test at buildingchurch.net. The wording was familiar, the test felt familiar, the results were mostly what I expected. Here are my top five: giving, healing, administration, apostle, leadership. When we took a similar assessment last fall with our church my top two were healing and knowledge. I think I will take that one again, as well.

I found myself wondering why it is I am so much more able to stay even-keeled when I am in tougher situations. Often, by 4pm, I am ready - READY for Marc to be home and help with the parenting - or to take over altogether while I hide under the bed. I know I'm pulling on deep reserves, am also in a Grace Cloud surrounded by prayers of the saints I call friends... But I think that even in normal circumstances both of those exist still and I just don't put my reliance there.  This will also be interesting to watch play out over the next couple weeks.

NZ Adventure - Day 1

My part of the NZ adventure is being at home with my oldest and youngest. My husband and middle left today for NZ. They will be gone for the better part of this month. The last time I was away from my husband for this long was the year before Caleb was born when I was in India for four weeks.

It is a very long story about how all the pieces have fallen this way at this time, and maybe over the course of their trip and my adventure I will unpack some of that here, but not tonight.  I'm tired.

The interesting thing about their trip to NZ is that it gives me something I haven't had for 11 years... several consecutive hours a day to myself most days. Because of the age of our kids and because of our homeschooling years, including this year that I'm homeschooling our middle, I have not had a set of days when I have had daytime hours to myself, to care for myself, to listen to myself. And with complete honesty I can say that this is more exciting to me than the idea of traveling to NZ. I feel like I have been given an incredible gift.

So my adventure will be getting to know 'me' in a whole new way. I have a million ideas of how to use the time for soul-care and self-care and home-care. I am a 'to-doer'. I really want to press into some to-being, but also honor the part of my character and making that loves 'doing', too.

Spiritual renewal and self care and awareness are my focus until the day before Thankgiving.

Of course my 5yo was quick to remind me, when she overheard me talking, that SHE's not going anywhere and neither is her older brother. But because I will have chunks of time to myself, I think that all three of us are going to see great benefit and growth from our part of the NZ adventure.

So here on my blog, I have set the goal to check in each day of this adventure... if for no other reason but to do it.