I find publishing an un-polished post very un-settling. I just had to insert that here.
I realized that rather than having some fantastic time and space to think I don't know what kind of thoughts - me thoughts? - that I'm still filling my head with kid thoughts all the time. WKID would be the call-letters of my radio station - worried about the homesick kid halfway across the world and the Dad that is her companion, wondering about just pulling Caleb to homeschool and be done with the non-sense of his teachers, hoping that the grace of God will be large enough to help me enjoy my non-stop talking 5yo AGAIN for most of the day tomorrow.
Even with the external environment ripe for some personal margin and experience, they are still there, closer than skin... much like each pregnancy. Perhaps there are still bits of them in me and that's why I'm overweight. I have little child aliens that are still living off me my fungus or parasites. Or I'm just doing my job as a mom, walking that tight rope of being here and pushing them and me into places of independence.
What I really crave, is to get my keel a little deeper into the water. I think my radio is operating on a bit of an am frequency, so it doesn't really take much to upset the signal. I think that this is my hope for my NZ adventure... that even though I'm probably tuned to WKID for quite some time, I'd like to move back to the place where a breeze or a tunnel don't mess the the signal - my True Signal, the One that has called and equipped me to be mom, the One that calls me child.
PS. I took a personality test today. It said "free test" - it was the DISC test. Yes, the test was free. But if I wanted the results I had to pay $10. And I'm too tired to go looking for another test, so (picture me sticking my tongue out).