I realized that rather than having some fantastic time and space to think I don't know what kind of thoughts - me thoughts? - that I'm still filling my head with kid thoughts all the time. WKID would be the call-letters of my radio station - worried about the homesick kid halfway across the world and the Dad that is her companion, wondering about just pulling Caleb to homeschool and be done with the non-sense of his teachers, hoping that the grace of God will be large enough to help me enjoy my non-stop talking 5yo AGAIN for most of the day tomorrow.
Even with the external environment ripe for some personal margin and experience, they are still there, closer than skin... much like each pregnancy. Perhaps there are still bits of them in me and that's why I'm overweight. I have little child aliens that are still living off me my fungus or parasites. Or I'm just doing my job as a mom, walking that tight rope of being here and pushing them and me into places of independence. What I really crave, is to get my keel a little deeper into the water. I think my radio is operating on a bit of an am frequency, so it doesn't really take much to upset the signal. I think that this is my hope for my NZ adventure... that even though I'm probably tuned to WKID for quite some time, I'd like to move back to the place where a breeze or a tunnel don't mess the the signal - my True Signal, the One that has called and equipped me to be mom, the One that calls me child.
PS. I took a personality test today. It said "free test" - it was the DISC test. Yes, the test was free. But if I wanted the results I had to pay $10. And I'm too tired to go looking for another test, so (picture me sticking my tongue out).
2 comments:
E.
I wanted to say:
1. how much I loved what you shared here.
2. I'm happy you are blogging most every day because I love reading what you have to say
3. I'm following your personality tests with much interest. I have recently been interested in figuring out myself a bit more this way. Like somehow if I can label who I am I can accept myself (and all my little quirks) a little better. Would you consider writing a brief post at the end of your personality test journey listing the different tests you took and where you found them? I've done free Myers-Briggs and read a book recently on how people learn. But it might be fun to do some more.
Thanks again for your honest thoughts and vulnerability. Why didn't someone warn us about how vulnerable we'd be as mothers? Maybe they tried but I didn't get the message.
Love you.
err
i came in to write a comment
then i read Renee's
and it kind of was exactly what i was thinking/feeling
so i won't be redundant
just ditto it
:)
i do want you to know i am glad it is unpolished
we polish too much
most of us
0kat
xo
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