Tuesday, November 16, 2010

NZ Adventure - Day 9

Tonight's quiz was a Facebook quiz: which word in the dictionary are you. I am "Astute". I love words, and I love dictionaries. Studying words, word origins, finding new synonyms and antonyms - this is one of the things that makes me happy.

Today I am feeling hurried. I am afraid that I won't get done anything that I said I would like to get done. Who cares that it was an impossible list to start with. And I knew it. And who cares that I still have seven days left to still work at SOME of what is on my list.

As I was rushing around moving furniture and dust tonight I was thinking about my enneagram test result. Being a 9, a peacemaker.  One of the things that this test confirmed for me is that I can be an all out people pleaser - supporting people (mostly Marc and the kids) at the neglect of me.

There have been times in our family when I have hit a crisis point and have said 'That's it. I'm done playing the role of support staff. I'm going to exert my individual needs and desires.' Thank God for my very supportive husband who immediately blesses me and sincerely desires to do whatever it takes to support my declaration. The only problem is that when it comes down to it ... I have no idea what I want to do. One of the symptoms of being a 9 is having disconnected from oneself. The most common path for me to consider is school - getting my masters in ...  I don't know what.

So then after realizing that I have no clear path to assert, we all go back to the way things were more or less. And often I feel great about that. Because peacemaking is where I live, supporting, caring for, trying to keep it all balanced.

One of the things about being a 9 that I am trying to digest is that maintaining internal peace is so important to me, and that one of my main fears is that 'my internal balance will be upset' (a lot of my information is paraphrased from www.enneagraminstitute.com, by the way).  Living as a single parent with my two extreme children, who can't seem to leave each other alone, highlights this tension. I'm beginning to feel like Miss America - can't you two just hold hands and get along. I suspect that if I look closer at their personality types, their birth order, their enneagram number, I may see that in some way they are working out exactly what they need to be working out. The fact that it messes with my inner ohm doesn't mean it is all wrong behavior.

I did get to work with Sofia's class again this morning. I can't imagine teaching each day, but I love getting to be involved in these kids lives. As I write this, I realize that when I volunteer I am in a very chaotic situation. Controlled chaos, but it IS kindergarten! And in the midst of this chaos, I feel very settled into my peaceful place - not to hide from them, but in order to be fully present to them. THIS is something I need to pay attention to.

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